How bad do you want it?
Sure you eat healthy. Sure you eat well. Sure you never find yourself wrist deep in an empty bag of chips wondering where they all went.
But sometimes you just need to cut loose and eat something wildly unhealthy. Something involving frying and cheese and grease. Something like this menu. Grab a couple of bags and make sure you're not doing much tomorrow, you won't be able to move too far.
You're going to sit down and enjoy some Jalapeno Poppers, some Chili Cheese Dogs, some Garlic Bread and for dessert, you're going to chow down on Smokey-Bacon-Chocolate Chips. This is for two people, or one person with a serious desire to do some damage to themself.
Pick this up – you should probably walk while you do it, you'll need the exercise.
6 jalapeno peppers
eggs if you're out
500 grams of cheddar cheese sliced
200 grams of parmesean cheese
1 package of all-beef hotdogs, the big ones
Small package of lean ground beef
2 cans of kidney beans
1 bulb of garlic
1 tin of tomato paste
1 bottle or tin of dark beer
1 package of hot dog buns
1 loaf of white bread sliced
1 large bar of dark chocolate
1 large bag of smokey bacon flavoured potato chips
Once you've endured the stares from people at the store when you're paying for all this really wholesome and healthy food, get over to someplace that has beer. Get a six pack, you'll need something to accompany this marvellous meal.
At home, get this out:
large nonstick pan
2 mixing bowls
In the medium pot, drop in a tablespoon of butter and set it on a low heat.
Dice up the onion and 3 cloves of garlic and drop those in to cook. Dice up 1 of the jalapeno peppers and drop that in, wash your hands after.
Take half the ground beef and crumble that in to the mix, and wash your hands again.
Now stir it all around, adding a pinch of salt, pepper, smoked paprika, chili powder and cumin.
In a small bowl mix half the tomato paste with water.
Open the beans up and empty them into the strainer, rinse them off.
After the stuff in the pot has cooked for about 8 to 10 minutes, add the beans and the tomato paste mix. Set the heat on medium/low and put it on the back burner.
Now, wash the remaining jalapeno peppers. Cut the tops off, then cut them into thirds. Trash the seeds and whatnot in there.
Crack 2 eggs into one of the mixing bowls and whisk it with your fork till it's combined.
Fill the other bowl with the breadcrumbs.
Take one piece of sliced cheddar and roll it around one piece of jalapeno, then drop it into the egg bowl. Take it from the egg bowl and dredge it in the breadcrumbs, coating it well – put it aside on a plate. Do that for each piece of jalapeno.
When all the pieces are done and ready, pour vegetable oil into the nonstick pan to a depth of ¾” deep.
Check on the chili, how's it looking? Open the dark beer and pour in half, turn the heat up to medium.
Fill the other pot with water and open the hotdogs. Set the water on to boil.
Turn the oven on to 350º.
Mince 4 cloves of garlic to a fine mince.
Butter four pieces of bread, then put a clove of minced garlic on each piece, then add a nice covering of the parmesean. Put them on the baking sheet.
Check on the chili, reduce the heat to low.
Turn the heat on for the nonstick pan, set it high, you're about to deep fry your jalapeno.
Get out another plate and put a couple of paper towels on it.
While you're at it, get out large plates and a few napkins.
When the water boils, add 4 hot dogs and let them cook, make sure you pay attention to how much time they need to go in for.
Put the baking sheet in the oven.
When the oil is hot enough, carefully put in 4 or 5 jalapeno pieces, turn them to cook evenly, then take them out and put them on the paper towels, keep doing that until they're all done.
The hot dogs should be done by now, turn off the water, the garlic bread should be ready too, so turn off the oven.
Here's the plating, put a few jalapeno poppers on each plate, then a couple of hot dogs in buns, ladle the chili over top of them and then add a few slices of cheese, put 2 slices of garlic bread on each plate to soak up the excess chili.
Open up a couple of beers and clean your plate.
If (and it's a big if) you still have room and the ability to move, it's time for dessert.
Clean off the cutting board and dry it, do the same with the baking sheet.
Open the chips and spread them out in one layer on the baking sheet. Turn the oven on to 350º.
Using the grater, shave down about half the chocolate bar or more, then take the chocolate and put it on the chips, like you're making nachos. Give each chip a good bit of chocolate. When they're covered, into the oven for 8 to 10 minutes, then take'em out, put'em on a plate, open another beer and have some dessert.
After that, you're probably going to need a nap.
*You can substitute veggie dogs and tofu for the meat should you feel that going all out might be unsafe.